i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’M CRYINGGG
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
This is a sub tweet
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”