Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: