Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots