WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.