I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.