What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Your secret is safeish with me
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down