email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You Might Also Like
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
sir, my pâté if you please