My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.