Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.