Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Its true…
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
WTF IS THAT!
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.