Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
You Might Also Like
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.