“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!