So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out