I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
birds and squirrels envy us
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]