Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300