[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.