In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You Might Also Like
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
this is literally a CIA plant
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray