Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
i actually laughed 😩
Simple
[eats all your cotton candy]
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Found the job I’m suited for
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
New Tinder profile.