I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.