I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Brilliant!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.