a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.