Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.