Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Tastes like chicken.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.