text from my dad when lebron broke the record
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.