Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it