I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward