Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.