Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
so this horse walks into a bar
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?