Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
You Might Also Like
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
this post was so formative to me
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.