The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
A leaf blower, but for people.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti