Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
How much for the goth pool noodles?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I like crazy people until they notice me
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Breaking news:
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.