Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
DOOO EEEET
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you