When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
2022 will be better than 2021
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.