That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that