Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.