Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms