Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If you are reading this then you are reading this
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Its a hippotatomus
Never be a pizza!
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.