angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Dammit Chief not again
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?