Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about