It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’