Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog