If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy