i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……