I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
the Monday after daylight savings
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
This is the best one I’ve seen
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.