[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.