Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
u spoke cat all this time??????