Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT