Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.