i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.