Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I need to update my racial profile.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?